Bethany the Sarcastic Ghost
by BigCatChuck19
Summary: Just because Beth Washington died after the prank last winter, doesn't mean she can't try to talk sense into her older brother. Regarding his stupid revenge plot and a certain blonde lady with whom both are enamored. Although she has to admit, her job would be a lot easier if she still had a body and could smack him upside the head.


After spending another December afternoon in a half-conscious state of apathy, Josh stirred from his slumber on an old stained couch. For a brief moment, he was blissfully unaware of everything which had happened. Before his memories came flooding back; reminding him of his isolation. All because his asshole 'friends' thought it would be a splendid idea to fuck with one of his little sisters.

As he moved around the cluttered basement/man cave, Josh considered another wasted day. Then again, it's not like Josh had much in the way of obligations. While his grades were never stellar, once the incident occurred, dropping out of college became a mere formality. With his father filming another schlock filled horror movie and his mother going to Eastern Europe on the studio's dime; the lavish Brentwood residence was Josh's to with as he pleased.

Josh chuckled mirthlessly at how the tabloids had talked about the tragedy driving his parents even closer together. One of Hollywood's successful marriages getting stronger in the face of adversity. Overlooking how his parents kept their relationship healthy was by neglecting their children. Or now, their only remaining child.

But Josh had found something to focus on in recent weeks. Something to keep him moving one foot after the other. He muttered a curse under his breath upon realizing how far he was behind schedule. If everything was to be ready for the anniversary, Josh would have to quicken the pace. With a one-way plane ticket up to Canada for the day after New Years, he would have to complete the plans before leaving. Especially considering how sketchy internet access could be at the cabin.

While wallowing, Josh heard a voice.

"Just figured I'd stop by and wish you a Merry Christmas. Although, judging by the piles of beer and whiskey bottles as well boxes of cheap pizza, looks like you already had one. And I'm not going to start about how the whole house smells like the set of a Cheech and Chong sequel."

Josh turned and looked at the glistening form of his youngest sister. "Good to see you too, Beth." While picking up the bottles strewn through the room, he explained himself. "It's a few weeks worth. Mom and Dad are in Slovakia filming." He turned towards Beth and gestured with one of his empty bottles "Believe it or not, I've been trying to cut back, clear my head and focus."

Beth smiled at this assertion. "Good. Happy to hear you're detoxing." She chuckled. "I would give you a hug if it wasn't for the whole…"

"...being dead."

Beth nodded nonchalantly. "I was going to joke about how being incorporeal limits the ways one can show affection. But, yes, being dead kind of nixes hugging." As Josh continued collecting a month's worth of recycling, Beth pressed. "What's causing you to straighten up? At least a little. Perhaps a particular petite blond with whom we're both enamored?"

Before Josh could answer Beth's smirking inquiry, she noticed a pile of schematics and sketches which indicated the focus of her brother's efforts. She muttered and shook her head "Going through with your hare-brained revenge plot? Marvelous fucking idea."

Josh bristled. "It's the only thing keeping me sane."

"An assertion without evidence if I'd ever heard one!"

Josh clenched his teeth attempting to keep control. "They need to pay for what happened to you and Hannah."

"And what about…"

"Sam and Chris? Even those who weren't involved need a wake-up call to not take their lives for granted. To seize the day while they still have the opportunity." He smiled menacingly. "I'm a healer after all."

Beth flung up her hands. "Are you listening to yourself? Sounding like a fourth-rate Batman villain. This little scheme isn't bringing us back or changing anything. Other than assuring being alone in the middle of fucking nowhere with seven people who will want to beat the shit out of you."

"No. They'll appreciate what I'm undertaking. My plan will allow everyone to move forward while furnishing them with the necessary perspective on how I've felt since that day." He turned away, not wanting Beth to behold him breaking down. "I thought you would understand. You were the one Washington who wouldn't take shit."

Beth moved close enough that Josh could nearly feel her non-existent breath on the back of his neck. "Look, if you and Hannah disappeared in the same circumstances, I would want revenge too. And I wouldn't settle for drawing up pranks. My plan would start with the letter s and end with lit their throats. Or at least, I would kick Mike hard in the nuts."

"Why don't you…?"

"Because I would have been fucking wrong! If I've learned one thing over the last year; it's perspective. All you'll accomplish is pushing everyone away."

"Well, I'm already alone now. Maybe that's what I deserve for failing last year."

"Josh…"

Josh turned, and half sobbing shouted. "For fuck's sake, I need to do something! I didn't do anything last year, and you fucking died!"

Flopping down on the decrypt old couch, Josh started fully sobbing. "Where was I when you and Han needed me? Out cold after another miserable attempt to drown in cheap whiskey. I failed both of you, and I can't do it again. Even if doing something means everyone hates me when all is said and done."

As Beth's form settled next to Josh, she instinctively reached for his shoulder, before pulling back. "Josh, do you think I want everyone to hate you? I certainly don't hate you."

"But it's what I deserve." Josh gazed down at the floor and closed his eyes. "I'm your big brother; it was my job to defend you and Hannah. And yeah, you were always pretty resilient. Ended up protecting me more times than I returned the favor. Even Han did in her way. But the one time you truly needed me..."

Beth held up her right hand. "Look, I tried to wake you up that night, but I'm so relieved I didn't." Josh looked over with deep stupefaction. "You want to know why? Because there is no chance, you could have saved us, and one of two things would have happened. Either you would have coerced me to stay in the lodge, and I would be talking to your ghost right now. Or I would have insisted on coming along, and we'd all be dead."

"How do you know? The three of us together…"

It was Beth's turn to look away. "I just do." Beth shook her head at the memory. "Trust me; you would rather not know."

"Maybe things would have worked out better that way. I'm pretty much dead to Mom and Dad, and at least we would all be together. Plus you make it seem like being…"

Beth looked over and growled at him. "Knock it off with the woe is me, being dead would be a blast, horseshit! NEVER try to fucking kill yourself again! Because if we end up on the same plane of existence before you turn 100. I'm devoting all of eternity to beating the fucking shit out of you. Besides, you need to name your kids after Hannah and Me."

Josh stared at the irate phantom before breaking out into laughter. "Wait. What am I supposed to do if they're all boys?"

"That's what middle names are for, jackass."

"Too bad they won't have Aunt Bethy around to instruct them how to throw a punch. Especially when they get teased for being named Hannah or Bethany." Josh stopped giggling as a pall of moroseness fell over his face. "Anyways, don't worry. I wouldn't end up on the same plane of existence as you and Han."

Beth scoffed and gestured towards the top of her head. "See wings or a halo? I did just threaten to wail on you for all of eternity. And even though Mom and Dad are working on their tenth consecutive parents of the year award, other people care about you here and now, right?"

"Chris still comes over with Ashley even if things are a bit rougher than before."

Beth started chuckling. "Quit being dense. You been spending any time with Sam lately?"

"Sounds like you already know the answer to that question." Josh sighed softly. "We've have been spending time together more often, but we're just bros."

Beth beamed a great smile back at him "Sure thing, Joshy. Although, are you two friends in the vein of her and Hannah or more in the way Sam and I were...friendly? My suspicion is it's the latter, or at least you're getting there."

Josh looked away for a moment to gather his thoughts. "I can't deny we've bonded over the last year. But it isn't a bond borne of love or lust but mutual pain. She's the sole person who's feeling nearly as much anguish… While I lost my little sisters, she lost her closest friend and her..."

"quasi-girlfriend who was finally working up her nerve to eliminate the quasi-part of the description."

"Right." Josh exhaled heavily "And you know how Sam is; always the rock in regards to dependability and emotional expression, so she masks her pain by taking of others first. To the point where now Sam's taking care of me. It's more like she's a surrogate mother than a potential lover. Hell, she's probably the sole reason I've even bothered to put on pants in the last month."

"Something we're all grateful for by the way."

Josh flashed a brief grin at Beth's quip. "I mean I like Sam."

"Woah!" Beth mock exclaimed. "I never would have guessed you liked her. Why it's almost like we both have had massive crushes on Sam since the first time Hannah brought her home."

"But she deserves so much better. Someone who can brace her emotionally rather than a screwed up nutcase who will drag Sam down into a co-dependency spiral of doom. Resulting in us both loathing each other." At this dark thought, the mask of frivolity slipped back over Josh's psyche."Plus the idea of having my sister's sloppy seconds just seems gross, right?"

"Honestly, I think Sam could have done better than me too, but we're probably both just being self-depreciating fuckheads. And even if we're right, it's not about some platonic ideal of what Sam deserves but what she wants." Beth shimmed her shoulders slightly as Josh looked over. "Speaking of desires, we never quite got to the point of being 'sloppy,' so you're safe in that regard. Much to my chagrin." Josh gaped at her. "See you're not the only one who can make a feeble attempt to deflect attention from their emotions via crude humor."

"Seriously though, screwing around with your girlfriend would be a massive act of betrayal, wouldn't it? And then, assuming she does want to be with me, there's the possibility it's only because I remind her of you. Every time Sam gazes into my eyes she sees my little sister. And it's only for the brief moment she can fool herself into thinking you're still alive..."

"Well, if Sam insists you grow your bangs out in a fringe, sport a knit cap and buys you garish clunky rings. You might have a point."

Josh slyly grinned. "I do already have a beanie, and the Moe Howard look is doable."

Beth softly snickered. "Smart-ass, lucky I can't smack you." She adjusted her position on the couch and cleared her throat. "As for the 'betrayal,' that's a stupid concern. Especially factoring in how I transcended the grave, just to urge you to make a move. Or, at least, consider making one. You can't genuinely believe I would be resentful. Mildly squicked out perhaps, but not angry."

Josh shook his head. "Of course, that argument assumes you're Beth's spirit and not just my mind telling me what I want to hear."

"No. If I were saying what you wanted to hear, I would be going around creepily groaning 'make them pay.' Before singing Frere Jacques as my flesh rotted off." Josh gawked at her stunned. "I've read Dr. Hill's notes, not like I don't have free time on my hands. Regardless, even if I am just your brain in a Beth shape, it's not a betrayal. You know why?" Josh narrowed his gaze as Beth leaned in. "Because we both know if I was alive you would never stand a chance."

Josh stared silently at Beth for a moment before breaking out in a torrent of laughter. One which Beth quickly joined. Through the tittering spasms of amusement, Josh finally was able to force out a response. "Okay, that's a solid point. If a bit of a humiliating one." As he stopped laughing, a thought crossed his mind. "Have you ever tried talking to Sam? I'm sure she would like to know, you're okay. I mean, for being a ghost."

At this point, Beth looked away again, closing her eyes and rubbing the socket with her right hand to relieve the feelings coursing through her. After a moment, she regained enough compose to answer. "A couple of times. Once I thought she could hear me, but then I overheard her muttering about seeing things. That moment was when I realized even if Sam did see me, she would never admit it. And, it's painful watching her. Seeing her facade slipping when she's alone, recognizing just how much pain she's in. All while only being able to observe. It's just..."Beth covered her eyes with her left hand while looking away yet again. "It's not nice to make your little sister cry, especially when she's dead."

"Beth, I'm sorry. I didn't mean..."

Beth waved in a sign of forgiveness with her left hand. "I know, Josh, and it's not your fault. But, I don't think you realize how much you're supporting her. And not just unloading on her all the time."

Despite the emotions flowing freely through the basement, Josh found himself genuinely amused by his sister's inadvertent double entendre. As he loudly chortled, Beth folded her arms and stared. "For fuck's sake, Butt-Head, are you five? You realize this immaturity is why she chose me in the first place, right?" Josh half nodded, and half shrugged while continuing to snicker. "Guess, I should be relieved you're feeling better enough to enjoy a gross misinterpretation. As I was saying, each of you is the best thing going for the other one right now. Not saying to ram your tongue down her throat. But be open to the possibilities."

Josh sighed sharply. "I don't know, Beth."

Starting to get exasperated, Beth gave one final summation. "Look. If you don't like Sam that way or are afraid of hurting her, then fair enough. But if you're just afraid I'm going to be pissed off. Or one of the myriads of other excuses to avoid what you're actually terrified of, being happy. Then you just need to grow up and stop being a shit head."

At this statement Beth slowly rose up from the couch back into a standing position. "While I would rather stay here and chew the fat with you all night, I don't get to set the rules either. So I have to head on back."

Josh glumly nodded. "So any idea when I'll get to see you again? Or if I'll get to see you again?"

Beth shrugged. "Don't know. Honestly, I haven't been haunting people long enough to know when I'll stop being able to communicate. Or if after a while, I'll only be able to manifest in dreams or as a voice compared to glowing and floating around like Bethany the Sarcastic Ghost. But, while I can, I will stop by when I think you need me to smack some sense into you. Metaphorically, for obvious reasons."

"Heh, well Scrooge got three ghosts on Christmas Eve, but I only ever see you." Beth scowled faintly at Josh's comment "I love getting to talk to you and everything. But I'm worried about how Hannah has never made her presence known."

Beth broke eye contact. "You know how Hannah is; she's easily distracted by everything going on in heaven. Hell, last week she was playing tennis with Martina Navratilova."

"Hmm...must have been quite a match. Since I'm pretty sure Ms. Navratilova is alive."

Beth nervously shrugged. "Like I know anything about tennis players. Maybe it was Billie Jean King." Josh was about to point out that she was also still alive before Beth cut him off. "Look who's Hannah is playing with isn't important. She's happy and wouldn't want you to carry out a stupid stunt on her behalf. Okay?"

"Right." Before Josh could press further, his felt his smartphone vibrate in his left front jeans pocket. Almost instinctively he pulled the phone out in front of his sister.

Relived, Beth changed the subject. "So who's texting you?"

"Sam's out running errands and was wondering if I wanted to grab something to eat before she heads home."

Beth grinned softly while shaking her head. "Sam. You always were a bad liar." Josh gawked at her. "Come on, Josh, who is running errands at 10:30 at night on Christmas Eve?"

"Well, maybe she procrastinated on her Christmas shopping."

"It's Sam, not you. Nevertheless, I think that's my cue to be heading out. But while, I know you can't promise to stop your prank, please consider everything I've said. And know that there are people who care about you, no matter what, and both Hannah and I love you and miss you every day. Finally, get back on your damn meds!"

Josh quivered briefly before biting his lip. "I love you too, Beth, and I'll try. But like you said no promises." As his sister turned to leave him once again, Josh eeked out a request of his own. "Beth, say hi to Hannah for me? Tell her I love her. Please."

While her figure was already fading away, Beth turned back towards her brother with a content smile on her lips.

"I always do."

Before Josh could respond, Beth was gone. Again. Stifling every urge in his body to start bawling, he instead took a deep breath and replied to Sam's message.


End file.
